I need a little bit of a story before I comment on ugliness in my soul. A story about my ex-husband’s wife. She is mean. She is mean to my kids and is mean to me. She has threatened me on several occasions for e mailing her husband, my children’s father, about past due child support. My ex has been paying the same amount of child support of 14 years. I have never asked for an increase even though he legally should be paying more. At the moment he owes money in the thousands. I have let it slide and let it slide. I have let is slide for so long that I am deeply in debt. I won’t go into details. But it is his wife. If I e mail him and ask him about child support she goes nuts. She threatens me with, “You don’t know who you are dealing with”. She threatens me with law suits for “harassment”. It got so bad that I have just stopped asking for money at all.
But this post is about the ugliness in my soul.
Two weeks ago my daughter told me that this mean woman has cancer. My first thought? I didn’t care. I am not happy that she has cancer but I thought if anyone deserves it, she does. You know how so many kind and caring people get diagnosed and die from cancer and then we always wonder why it never happens to the assholes? Well, she is an asshole. But what the fuck am I thinking? She doesn’t deserve to get cancer. What bothers me is how I have allowed the darkness of someone else permeate my heart. My normal everyday self is loving, gentle and compassionate. I am a Quaker! I believe in Peace, Equality, Truth and Simplicity. How did I let her ugliness make my ugly? Her anger caused anger in me. And I let it. It is not her fault. it is mine.
Anyway, I was driving when this hit me. I prayed to my God and asked for forgiveness. I sincerely prayed for her to be well and make a full recovery. I don’t want her hatred or anyone else’s to become part of me.